A parishoner had dozed off to sleep during the morning service.
-Will all who want to go to heaven stand? the preacher asked.
After they sat down, the pastor continued:
-Well, will all who want to go to the other place stand?
Someone suddenly dropped a songbook and the sleeping man jumped to his feet and
stood sheepishly facing the preacher. He mumbled confusedly:
-Well, preacher, I don´t know what we´re voting for, but it looks like you and
I are the only ones for it.
Pastor: Isn´t this a beautiful church? Here is a plaque for the men who died
in the service.
Man: Which on?
morning or evening?
A Sunday School teacher aksed students to draw a picture of the Holy Family.
After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had
drawn the conventional picture - the Holy Family and the manger, the Holy
Family riding on the mule etc.
But she called up a little boy to ask him to explain his drawing, wich showed
an airplane with four heads sticking out of the plane windows. She said:
-I can understand you drew three of the heads to show Joesph, Maria and Jesus.
But who´s the fuurth head?
-Oh, answered the boy, that´s Pontius the pilot.
A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven. Peter looked them
over and ordered:
-All men who were henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who
were bosses in their own homes, step to the right.
The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to the right. Peter
looked at the frail little man standing by himself and inquired:
-What makes you think you belong on that side?
Without hesitation, the meek little man explained :
-Because this is where my wife told me to stand.
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten
minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered what they had thought
him in seminary when a situation like this would arise - repeat your last
point. Often this would help you remember what is coming next. So he thought he
would give it a try.
-Behold, I come quickly, he said. Still his mind was blank. He thought he
would try it again. Behold I come quickly. Still nothing.
He tried it one more time with such force he fell forward, knocking the pulpit
to one side, tripping over a flower pot and falling into the lap of a little
old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized and tried to explain what happened.
-That´s all right, young man, said the little old lady. It was my fault. I
should have gotten out fo the way. You told me three times you were coming.
Preacher: Please take it easy on the bill for repairing my car. Remember, I am
a poor preacher
Mechanic: I know; I heard you last Sunday.
Pastor: Say, deacon, a mule died out in front of the church.
Deacon: Well, it´s the job of you ministers to look after the dead. Why tell
Pastor: You´re right; it is my job. But we always notify the next of kin.
A little boy forgot his lines in a sunday school presentation. His mother was
in front row to prompt him. She gestured and formed the words silently with her
lips, but it did not help. Her son´s memory was blank. Finally she leaned
forward and wispered the cue:
-I am the light of the world.
The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said:
-My mother is the light of the world.
Sarah: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.
Jane: That´s nothing. My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject.
Member: How are you feeling, pastor?
Member: We had a committee meeting the other night and they voted to send you
this get-well card. The motion passed 4 to 3.
First pastor: I heard you had a revival.
Second pastor: Yes, we did.
First pastor: How many additions did you have?
Second pastor: We didn´t have any additions but we had some blessed
A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded
him that they hadn´t prayed.
-We don´t have to, said the little boy. Mommy is a good cook.
The teacher handed out the test papers and told the children they could start
answering the questions. She noticed little Jimmy sitting with his head bowed,
his hands over his face. She approached him.
-Don´t you feel well, she inquired.
-Oh, I´m fine, teacher. Maybe it´s unconstitutional, but I always pray before
One Sunday a farmer went to church. When he entered he saw that he and the
preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the farmer if he wanted
him to go ahead and preach. The farmer said:
-I´m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I´d feed him.
So the minister bagan his sermon. One hour passed, the two hours, then
two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the
farmer if he had liked the sermon. The farmer answered slowly:
-Well, I´m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed
up, I sure wouldn´t feed him all the hay.
A minister was about to baptize a baby. Turning to the father, he inquired:
-His name, please!
-William Patrick Arthur Timothy John MacArthur,said the father.
The minister turned to his assistant and said:
-A little more water, please!
A little boy excited about his part in the Christmas play came home and said:
-I got a part in the Christmas play!
-What part? asked his mother.
-I´m one of the three wise guys! was the riplay.
-Daddy, I want to ask you a question, said little Bobby after his first day
in Sunday School.
-Yes, Bobby, what is it?
-The teacher was reading the Bible to us - all about the children of Israel
building a temple, the children of Israel crossing the Red Sea, the children of
Israel making sacrifices. didnt the grownups do anything?
The sermon was very long this Sunday morning and little Danny was getting more
restless by the minute.
Suddenly, in a whisper too loud for his mother´s comfort, he blurted our:
-If we give him the money now, Ma, will he let us go out then?
Shortly before the death of Thoreau, a pious aunt visited him and asked:
-Have you made your peace with God, Henry?
- I don´t know that we ever quarrelled, he replied.
A bigoted old churchgoer, firmly set in his notions, rebufffed his neighbor who
was speaking of a new American version of the Bible. Said he:
-If the King James version was good enough for St.Paul, it´s good enough for
Compiled by Elof Granholm