Religious jokes 51-100
Skrivet av Loffe   
2005-04-15 13:28

A minister was deeply inpressed by an address on the evils of smoking given at a synod. He arose from his seat, went over to a fellow minister, and said:
-”Brother, this morning I received a present of 100 good cigars. I have smoked one of them, but now I´m going home to burn the rest in the fire.”
The other minister arose and said it was his intention to accompany his reverend brother.
-” I mean to rescue the ninety-nine,” he added.

-”Who was the best financier in the Bible?”
-”Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.”

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit on Sunday morning. The note said:
“Billy Johnson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud:
“Billy Johnson, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Teacher: “Why was Adam a famous runner?”
Student: “Because he was first in the human race.”

In the days of the great Abolition furore, Wendell Phillips was accosted on a lecture tour by a minister who hailed from the state of Kentucky, a place with very different views concerning the ideas of the Abolitionists. The clergyman, who was most militant on behalf of his prejudices than on behalf of his creed, said:
-”You´re Wendell Phillips, I believe.”
-”Yes, I am.”
-”You want to free the niggers, don´t you?”
-”Yes, I do.”
-”Well, why do you preach your doctrines up North? Why don´t you try coming down to Kentucky
Phillips began to counter-question the man.
-”You´re a preacher, are you not?”
-”Yes,I am,sir.”
-”Are you trying to save souls from Hell?”
-”Why, yea, sir. That is my business.”
-”Why don´t you go there then?” suggested Mr.Phillips.

-” At what times of day was Adam born?” asked the teacher.
-”A little before Eve,” said little John.

A French clergyman catechising the youths of his parish, put the first question from the catechism of Heidelberg to a girl:
-”What is your only consolation in life and in death?”
The poor girl smiled, but did not answer. The priest insisted.
-”Well then,” said she, ” since I must tell, it is the young shoemaker of Agneaux Street

Miss Drummond, the famous preacher among the Quakers some time ago, was asked if the spirit had never inspired her with thoughts of marriage.
-”No,friend,” she said, ” but the flesh often has.”

Pity the poor atheist who feels grateful but has no one to thank.

A young firl came to the late Father Healey of Dublin and confessed that she feared she had incurred the sin of vanity.
-”What makes you think that?” asked the father confessor.
-”Because every morning when I look into the mirror I think how beautiful I am.”
-”Never fear, my girl,” was the reassuring reply. “That isn´t a sin, it´s only a mistake.”

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the bible was.
-”Hoss”, said Willie.
-”Wrong”, said the tacher. “It was Adam.”
-”Ah, shucks!” Willie replied. “I knew it was one of those Cartwrights.”

Eve: “Adam, do you love me?”
Adam: “Who else!”

Adam was created first….. to give him a chance to say something.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up the idea. They have no holidays.

-”Who was the straightest man in the Bible?”
-”Joesph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.”

-”Who was the smallest man in the Bible?”
-”Some people believe it was Zacchaeus. Others believe it was Nehemiah,or Bildad, the Shuhite. But in reality it was Peter, the disciple - he slept on his watch!”

-”Who is the first man mentioned in the Bible?”
-”Chap I.”

A conscientious minister decided to get acquainted with the new family in his congregation and called on them one spring evening. After his knock on the door, as lilting voice from within called out:
-”Is that you,Angel?”
-”No”, replied the minister, “but I´m from the same department.”

-”When was money first mentioned in the Bible?”
-”When the dove brought the green back to the ark.”

A preacher was called upon to substitute for the regular minister, who had failed to reach the church because he was delayed in a snowstorm. The speaker began by explaining the meaning of a substitute:
-”If you break a window,” he said, ” and then place a cardboard there instead; that is a substitute.”
After the sermon, a woman who had listened intently shook hands with him, and wishing to compliment him,said:
-”You were no substitute….you were a real pane!”

-”Who was the most popular actor in the Bible?”
-”Samson. He brought the house down.”

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
-”You missunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
-”I know,” said the man, ” but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I´d like to meet him.”

-”Do you know how you can tell that David was older than Goliath?”
-”Because David rocked Goliath to sleep.”

Teacher: “Where was Solomon´s tempel?”
Student: “On the side of his head.”

Did you hear about the country parson who decided to buy himself a horse? The dealer assured him that the one he selected was a perfect choice.
-”This horse,” he said, ” has lived all his life in a religious atmosphere. So remember that he´ll never start if yiou order ´Giddyap´. You´ve got to say, ´Praise the Lord´. Likewise, a ´Whoa´will never make him stop. You´ve got to say´Amen´. Thus forwarned, the parson paid for the horse, mounted him, and with a cheery “Praise the Lord” sent him cantering off in the direction of the parson´s parish. Suddenly, however, he noticed that the road ahead had been washed out, leaving a chasm two hundred yards deep. In a panic, he forgot his instructions and cried “Whoa” in vain several times. The horse just cantered on. At the very last moment he rememberd to cry “Amen”… and the horse stopped short at the very brink of the chasm. But alas! That´s when the parson, out of force of habit, murmured fervently, “Praise the Lord!”

-”How long a period of time did Cain hate his brother?”
-”As long as he was Abel.”

-”Why didn´t they play card on Noah´s ark?”
-”Because Noah sat on the deck.”

Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it containing the single word
“Fool”. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:
” I have know many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name but forgetting to write the letter.”

-”What man in the Bible had no parents?”
-”Joshua, the son of Nun.”

The new preacher, at his first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service someone asked an old woman of the church:
-”How did you like the new pastor?”
-”Fine”, she said, “but he´s the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water.”

-”What animal took the most baggage into the ark?”
-”The elephant. He took his trunk, while the fox and the rooster only took a brush and comb.”

Wife: “Did you see that hat Mrs.Jones wore to church?”
Husband: “No!”
Wife: “Did you see the new dress Mrs.Smith had on?”
Husband: “No!”
Wife: “A lot of good it does you to go to church!”

-”Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?”
-”When Joesph served in Pharaoh´s court.”

The sermon went on and on and on in the heat of the church. At last the minister paused and asked:
-”What more, my friends, can I say?”
In the back of the church a voice offered earnestly:

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot´s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.
-”My mother looked back once while she was driving”, contributed little Jimmy, ” and she turned into a telephone pole.”

Little Jane, whose grandmother was visiting her family, was going to bed when her mother called:
-”Don´t forget, dear, to include Grandma in your prayers tonight, that God should bless her and let her live to be very,very old.”
-”Oh, she´s old enough,” replied Jane. “I´d rather pray that God would make her young.”

A very foul-mouthed man met the local pastor on the street one day and said:
-”Now, where in hell have I seen you?”
To which the pastor replied:
-”From where in hell do you come,sir?”

The popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonize with the speech in delivering sermons.
-”When you speak of heaven,” he said, “let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell….well, then your everyday face will do.”

Little John was saying his prayers one night. His mother tiptoed up an heard him say:
-”And please make Tommy stop throwing things at me. You may remember, I´ve mentioned this before. He´s still doing it.”

-”I never go to church,” boasted a wnadering member. “Perhaps you have noticed that?”
-”Yes, I have noteiced that,” said the pastor.
-”Well, the reason I don´t go is that there ar so many hypocrites there.”
-”Oh, don´t let that keep you away,” replied the pastor, smiling blandly.
“There is always room for one more, you know.”

Two men fishing on Sunday morning were feeling pretty guilty, especially since the fish didn´t bite. One said to the other:
-”I guess I should have stayed home and gone to church.”
To which the other angler replied lazily:
-”I couldn´t have gone to church, anyway..my wife´s sick in bed.”

Little Sue, a six-year-old, complained:
-”Mom, I´ve got a stomach-ache.”
-”That´s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.”
That afternoon the minister called, and in conversation remarked he had been suffering all day with a severe headache. Sue perked up:
-”That´s because it´s empty. You´d feel better if you had something in it.”

-”Why do you keep reading your Bible all day long?” a youngster asked his aged grandfather.
-”Well”, he explained, ” you might say I am cramming for my final examinations.”

A minister spoke to a deacon and said:
-”I´m told you went to a ball game instead of church this morning.”
-”That´s a lie”, said the deacon, ” and here´s the fish to prove it.”

A minister asked a little girl what she thought of her first church service.
-”The music was nice,” she said, “but the commercial was too long.”

A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington and the guide pointed to a tall gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked:
-”What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?”
The guide answered:
-”No, he gets up, looks at the congress, the prays for the country!”

A hat was passed around a church congregation for taking up an offering for the visiting minister. Presently it was returned to him…conspicously and embarrassingly empty. Slowly and deliberately, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. The raising his eyes to heaven, he exclaimed fervently:
-”I thank thee,dear Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.”

-” What instructions did Noah give his sons about fishing off the ark?”
-” I don´t know?”
-” Go easy on the bait, boys. I only have two worms.”

My son is such an introvert he can’t even lead in silent prayer.

Member: “Pastor, how did you get that cut on your face?”
Pastor: “I was thinking about my sermon this morning and wasn´t
concentrating on what I was doing and cut myself while shaving.”
Member: “That´s too bad! Next time you had better concentrate on your shaving
and cut your sermon.”

Senast uppdaterad 2005-10-03 12:40
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