Religious jokes 1-50
Skrivet av Loffe   
2005-04-15 13:29

A very nice,but a bit naive, lady was very fond of the new pastor and decided to one Sunday thank him and also give him some encouragment. She got her chance. The next Sunday,after the service, she stood at the church-door and said to him:
- ” I must say that I didn´t know what sin was before you came to our congregation.”

A special speaker came to the congregation and when the service was over a lady came over to the guest speaker and said:
- “You were a much better speaker than the speaker who was visiting us last Sunday.”
- “Oh,” said the speaker, “- In what way?”
- “You see,reverend, he talked and talked for a hour without really saying anything. You did it in 15 minutes.”

The pastor from the local congregation visited old Abraham on his 90th birthday.
- “It´s nice knowing that I don´t have an enemy in the whole world.”
- “That´s very nice to hear, ” said the touched pastor .
- “Well, you see, my last one died last week.”

There was a speaker from out-of-town visiting a congregation and he started by saying:
- ” I won’t make you tired by a long speech - you have to wait for your pastor when it´s his turn.”

In an inspired article in a mission weekly, the write began his article by:
“There was an early morning….”

There was a skipper in Tiberia,Israel who transported tourists over the Sea of Galilei to Ein Gev on the other side. An American tourist wanted to take this opportunity and asked for the price of the tour.
- “40 dollars,” said the skipper.
- “Oh my godness! Did you say 40 dollars?”
- “Yes, sir.”
The American found the price too high and said to the owner:
- “Now I know why the good Lord came walking over.”

This happened in the beginning of the century in a Swedish congregation in the States.The pastor and most of the churchgoers were Swedish emigrants and services were held in Swedish. One day some youths came visiting the pastor in his office wondering if there could be any services in English, maybe once a week.
- “Nope,” said the pastor very determined. “- No way, sons.”
But the youths did not give up so easely.
- “What about a service once a month?”
- “Sorry ! No English services in this church,” said the pastor holding up his Bible he carried over the Atlantic from Sweden. He explained and said:
- “Was Swedish good for Moses it´s good enough for you!”

A chimney-sweeper one day rang the door-bell on his way from house to house and a little girl opened the door and became very scared.
- “Well, my little girl,” he sweeper said. ” - Haven´t you seen me before?”
- “No”, said the shaky girl, “but I´ve heard about you in Sunday School!”

An elderly couple, both 95, had been married for 75 years, but now they came to the pastor and said they both wanted a divorce. The pastor became more than suprised.
- “Why”, he asked. “Why do you want to divorce at this age, why not before?”
- “Well,you see pastor,” said the old husband, “we could not divorce with regards to our children. We could not separate when they still were alive.”

The old woman was almost deaf but she was a faithful church-goer. After a Sunday service the pastor met her at the church-door and he shouted in her hearing-trumpet:
- ” It´s nice of you coming every Sunday to church in spite of your bad hearing.”
- ” Thank you, pastor. You see, folks say that I don’t miss anything.”

Preacher Simmons says things are getting better because he´s getting much better buttons in the collection.

- “I was sorry for your wife in church yesterday when she had a terrific attack of coughing and everyone turned to look at her”, said the pastor to Mr.Jones when meeting him on Monday morning.
- ” Oh, you need not worry about that”, said Mr.Jones. “She was wearing her new spring hat.”

- “You know your guardian angel is always with you”, said the pastor to one of his members of his congregation.
- “Does he eat with me”, asked the surprised man.
- “Oh,yes”
- “Does he sleep with me?” was the man´s next question.
- “Oh,sure he does!”
- “Well”, said the man. -”I´ll bet he´s the fellow that kicked me out of bed last night.

- “I was told in Sunday school that radio started in the Garden of Eden. Do you believe that?” asked the little boy his father.
- “Well”, said the father. -”Whoever told you that radio started in the Garden of Eden was probably referring to the time they took a rib out of Adam and used it to make the first loudspeaker.”

- “Give me a quatation from the Bible”, asked the Sunday School teacher.
- ” Judas went out and hanged himself”, answered little John.
- “And another one?”
- “Go thou and do likewise.”

- “Where have you been, little boy?”
- “To Sunday School”.
- “What have you in your hand?”
- “Oh, just an ad about Heaven”.

Confessor: “I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!”
Priest: “That is very wrong”.
Confessor: “Would you like to accept it, Father?”
Priest: “Certainly not - return it to the man you stole it from”.
Confessor: “But I have offered it to him and he won´t have it”.
Priest: “In that case you you may keep it yourself”.
Confessor: Thank you, Father”.
(The priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen).

-”Did you know all the animals came on the ark in pairs?”
-”All except worms and they came in apples”.

-”When was baseball mentioned in the Bible?”
-”When Rebecca walked to the well with the pitcher, and when the Prodigal Son made a home run.”

-”What is the difference between a preacher and a politician?”
-”A preacher makes up his bed and lies in it - a politician makes up his bunk and lies our of it.”

The reason I want to be Adam is, if I pulled a joke, I know no one could say: I heard that one before.

-”Say, dad, our lesson in Sunday School told about the evil spirits entering the swine”.
-”Yes, my son. What do you wish to know?”
-”Was that the way they got the first deviled ham?”

Father explaining beginning of world to son.
-”In the beginning of the world, Adam was born”.
-”Was he born in the morning?”
-”No, a little before Eve. A rib was taken from his side while he slept, and that was Eve”.
-”Didn´t he need the rib?”
-”It was a spare rib”.
Boy starts to cry.
-”I´ve got a pain in my side. Oh,daddy, I think I´m going to have a wife”.

-”Is it true Adam discovered love in a garden?”
-”If he did it must have been a beer garden for he saw snakes”.

-”Why did you strike your little sister?”
-”Well, we were playing Adam and Eve, and instead of tempting me with the apple, she ate it herself”.

-”Why did Noah take two of each kind of animal in the ark?”
-”Because he didn´t believe that story about the stork”.

Noah´s Ark as three camels come on board.
Noah: “Hey, one of yoiu will have to stay ashore”.
1st camel: “Not me. I´m the camel so many people swallow while
straining at the gnat”.
2nd camel “And I´m the camel whose back is broken by the last straw”.
3rd camel: “And I´m the camel which shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than the rich man shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”.
So Noah, deciding posterity would be lost for illustrations without them, let them all come aboard.

Proverb: “Let him among us to run the fastest throw the first stone”.

-”Do you believe in the hereafter? - I want a kiss”.
-”What´s the hereafter got to do with a kiss?”
-”That´s what I´m hereafter”.

-”Do you believe that a missionary goes to Heaven and a cannibal that eats people goes to the other place?”
-”Of course, I believe it. A missionary always goes to Heaven”.
-”But answer this question: What happens when the missionary is inside the cannibal?”

-”There will be weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world”.
-”What about those who haven´t any teeth?”
-”Teeth will be provided”.

Sally prays: “Oh.Lord. I´m not asking for a thing for myself, but please send mother a son-in-law”.

-”Do you say your prayers every night?”
-”No, some nights I don´t want anything”.

Even back in Biblical days there were Conservatives. Moses commanded the Red Sea to part and it did. One Conservatie nudged another and said:”Go buy stock in a ferry company with him around”.

Say, I just thought of a way for the Government to save seven billion dollars. Take Medicare out and put Christian Science in!

A minister wound up the service one morning by saying:
- “Next Sunday I´m going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I should like you all to read the 17th Chapter of Mark”.
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said:
- “Now then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th Chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.”
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher:
-”You are the very people I want to talk to. There is no 17th Chapter of Mark”.

It was a little boy in the American Sunday School, who, in reply to his teacher´s question:-”Who was the first man?” answered:”George Washington”, and upon being informed that it was Adam, exclamed: “Ah,well! If you are speaking of foreigners, perhaps he was”.

A congressman said to Horace Greeley one day:
-”I´m a self-made man.”
“That, sir”, said Greely, ” relieves the Almighty of a great responsibility.”

A Mormon aquaintence once inveigled Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After he had been beaten about the ears with long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the climax was capped by the Mormon´s demand that he cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
-”Nothing easier,” Mark replied. “No man can serve two masters.”

-”What was the difference between Noah´s Ark and Joan of Arc?”
-”Noah´s Ark was made of wood and Joan of Arc was maid of Orleans”.

When Raphael was engaged in painting his celebrated frescoes, he was visited by two cardinals who began to criticize his work, and found fault without understanding it.
-”The Apostle Paul has too red a face”, said one.
-”He blushes to see into whose hands the Church has fallen,” answered the angry artist.

St.Peter looked at the new arrival skeptically; he had no advance knowledge of his coming.
-”How did you get here?” he asked the man.

Julian Huxley, tells this:
-”I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian. The two were engaged in disputation and the teologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in the dark room, looking for a black cat - which wasn´t there.
-”That may be”, said the philosopher, “but a theologian would have found it.”

-”You know that church on Tenth Street? It accomodates thousand souls”.
-”How many heels?”

At a gathering in London, where a furious theological controversy occured, Dean Jonathan Swift lost his temper and boisterously asked a stranger who sat next to him:
-”On which side, sir, are you? - Are you an atheist or a Deist?”
-”No, neither, Sire,” was the immediate reply:
-”I am a dentist.”

Bishop Davidson of Winchester was once one of a party of ecclesiastics who went into dinner after a religious conference. One of the others observed in a tone of pompous self-righteousness: “This is the time to put a bridle on our appetites.”
-”No”, returned the bishop, “this is the time to put a bit in our mouths.”

A young minister who was temporarily filling a city pulpit made the following request in his prayer:
“May the brother who ministers to this flock be filled full of fresh veal and new zigor.”

“Can I lead a good Christian life in New York City on §15 a week?”, a young man once asked Dr.S.Parkes Cadman.
-”My boy,” was the reply, ” that´s all you can do.”

John Wilkes was once asked by a Roman Catholic gentleman in a warm dispute upon religion.
-”Where was you religion before Luther?”
- “Did you wash your face this morning?” inquired the facetious alderman.
-” I did, sir.”
-”Then pray where was your face before it was washed?”

John Philpot Curran said to Father O´Leary:
-”Reverend Father, I wish you were St.Peter.”
-”Why”, said the priest.
-”Because, then you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in.”
-”I had better have the keys”, said Father o´Leary, ” of another place, and then I could let you out.”

A new Protestant pastor had come to town and his clerical dress was not unlike that of a priest. He chanced to pass several little Catholic boys on the street, and a number of them tipped their hats and chorused,” Good morning, Father.”
No sooner had the minister passed than one of the boys turned on his companions in disgust:
“Father! He´s no father - he´s got three kids.”

Senast uppdaterad 2005-10-03 12:40
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